Calendar Girl (kirilaw) wrote,
Calendar Girl

  • Mood:
I didn't really make any New Year's Resolutions -- not as such. Like everyone else, I'm pretty bad at keeping them, and the artificial "first of the year" date doesn't inspire in me any more desire to improve myself than any other arbitrary date. That's just me.

But this year, I have started working on a number of things I've been "meaning to get to" for quite some time. Not because it's the new year, and I'm "resolving" anything, but more because the end of the holiday season signals an end to the excuses I've had for not getting this stuff done.

So, I'm working on starting an RRSP, on getting apartment insurance sorted out, on buying back pension time from when I was a student... and so on. And it's really good for me to get this stuff done, because it's not stuff I enjoy or am good at. In fact, it's exactly the kind of thing I usually avoid doing like the plague.

Why is that exactly? Well, for starters, the whole "money" thing freaks me out in a huge and dramatic way. So making decisions about investments is scary -- it means confronting all my fears about becoming a cat-food-eating, box-living old woman, and it means letting my money out of my bank account, which as a hoarder, I am loath to do (If I weren't so inclined to lose things, I suspect I would keep my money under my mattress.)

The other problem is that this is all the kind of thing I don't understand very well. I don't understand numbers and forms and... well... money in general. And, as an intellectual type, anything I don't understand is rather terrifying to me. Particularly when it's so completely out of my field that I don't even feel as if I could learn to understand it. It makes me profoundly anxious and uneasy. As I was starting to make all the requisite phone calls (another thing I hate doing), I'm sure my blood pressure skyrocketed. I have to plan for such phone calls, and take huge deep breaths, just to keep myself calm enough to actually make them.

It's probably good for me to do things outside my comfort zone. And these are definitely all things that I need to do and that are important. But that does not make it easy (at all).

I wonder if it's getting easier? I mean, I make more telephone calls than I used to, but is it any easier for me to make those calls? I still make other people call for pizza whenever possible, but I can do it if it needs doing. I just don't like to.

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