September 5th, 2003

last unicorn

(no subject)

Y'know, I've been feeling terribly envious all week of all the people who get to go back to school. I wish I were starting something. I miss the school environment terribly. I miss being in class, learning interesting things and having intense intellectual discussions. I miss the kind of class that spilled over into the student cafe afterwards. I miss being surrounded by people who didn't think it weird that I prefer the art theatre to the mainstream one. I miss not being the "walking dictionary", the one with the big vocabulary. I miss being exposed to new ideas, new authors, new contexts, new books. I wanna be a student again!

But then, I don't miss being broke all the time. I don't miss not being able to do things because I couldn't afford them. I don't miss the times a class turned out to be hideously boring and I was stuck with it and I don't miss writing term papers for that kind of class. I don't miss the last-minute panics over term papers in general, even term papers I enjoyed writing.

I wish someone would show up and offer to pay me to sit in a library (or outside one on nice days) and read and think and talk to people and occasionally maybe write something down and then read some more.

I think I need to seriously start considering going back to school. Maybe take a night class or something next year -- even next semester. Last year I was still kind of burned out after the Master's. This year... I'm just phenomenally jealous of my siblings, of all the kids (university students) who've arrived in town.

I'm not ready to go back for a PhD yet -- I don't even really know what I want to study. I just know I want to be studying something. I want to be engaged and challenged. I miss that terribly. I don't think I can handle the public service forever. It's crushing me.
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